Secret Government Recording Transcript

'No rush' over controversial Digital Economy Bill - Yahoo! News UK

…Allegedly

Thanks to my good pal ‘Keeper of the Blues’ Mr. Long-John Logan, for bringing this press release to my attention, concerning government’s Digital Economy Bill and its controversial plan to cut off internet access to illegal file-sharers, which they insist shall not be rushed through Parliament.

I hitherto knew nothing of this press release, or story, as is the lazy-arse copywriters of fleece street’s preferred nom de guerre, but through my discreet contacts in Whitehall, I was able to quickly secure a covert recording of the drafting of said announcement. Which I diligently present for you here. The unexpurgated version.

Alleged Downing Street Tape

AIDE:
“OK, so let’s try it again shall we?”

MP:
“We, the government understand that these proposed plans to cut off internet access to illegal file-sharers are controversial….

AIDE:
“Good”

MP:
“Er yes”

[PAUSE]

AIDE:
“Well carry on”

MP:
“Oh I’ve forgotten where I got up to now. I’ll start again.”

AIDE:
[SIGHS]

MP:
“As a caring government that understands every new proposal needs time to be carefully and fully explored…

AIDE:
“Better. Much better.”

MP:
“Yes, erm. Er. As your caring sharing government we…

AIDE:
“Caring, sharing? What are you supposed to be now, a fucking fair trade supermarket? Perhaps you could float the idea of a party loyalty card? ‘Vote for us and save 10% on all dairy products'”

MP:
“Well you know those loyalty cards are not a bad thing at all actually. Last month my wife and I bought a fridge freezer from Tesco, well she chose it, I paid for it obviously, but I’ve got 3000 loyalty points.”

AIDE:
“It’s fucking IQ points you need. Now you’re testing the loyalty of my patience, which you may have observed is not a quality I dispense freely. So. Do the fucking speech. And do it fucking right, or I’ll go down to your house, fuck your wife up the arse, then chop her up into tiny pieces and stick her bloody limbs in her new fucking fridge freezer.”

[NOW SLIGHTLY MORE NERVOUS AND HURRIED]

MP:
“As a caring government understand that these proposed plans to cut off internet access to illegal file-sharers are controversial. But you can be sure as eggs is eggs, we have no intention to rush such intricate issues through Parliament before we’ve conducted full and frank discussions with all interested parties.”

AIDE:
Well done. At long last. Give the dog a bone.

[PAUSE]

MP:
“At least not while there’s an election ahead. After which time we’ll general arse about in the aimless manner people have come to expect of us. Ha, haha.”

AIDE:
“Best you keep that bit to yourself unless you want eggs is eggs on your fat fried lying face.”

MP:
“Yes I know. Just trying to lighten the mood. Just a bit of a joke really. ”

AIDE:
“Never make jokes. I’m aware that members of parliament may genetically possess the inept poise and clumsy demeanour of your average red nosed clown, but the difference is when he takes off his make-up he’s invisible. Just another ex-equity member thrown out for fiddling with kids or having having chosen juggling instead of university. But you! You, on the other hand have no make-up to remove. You will always look like the same cunt you are. Now get out of my office.

MP:
“Yes. Right, no I mean of course. But, erm… It’s actually my office.

AIDE:
Get out!

MP:
Yes. Going, yes.

• Written by GK Walsh
(with an appreciative nod to Malcolm Tucker.)

Further Reading:
• Yahoo News
‘No rush’ over controversial Digital Economy Bill
The government says controversial plans to cut off internet access to illegal file-sharers will not be rushed through Parliament.

• BBC News
Digital Economy Bill to get further scrutiny over piracy
Controversial elements of the Digital Economy Bill will face further scrutiny even if the bill is passed later.

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About domestic empire

Writer, philosopher, humourist, musician, photographer, supporter of human rights, animal welfare, owner/operator of a small industrial beard and a whisker shy of talented.
This entry was posted in Humour, News, Politics. Bookmark the permalink.

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